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- Dear Gravenor, The Dude left this morning to go to a record convention. I spent the entire morning looking at YouTube videos made by The Other Dude and reading old emails. It's not a break-up because we never really went out but it is like a break-up, too, in some ways. Him and I are both in relationships with passive people; passive people who love us death and haven't really done ANYthing wrong to or by us. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with our partners. Both of them would do anything for us, would travel anywhere with us and would be crushed if we left them. We both know that. We were too scared to leave them, I think. I know I am. How do you leave someone who has never really hurt you? Who only wants to love you til you're grey and hunched; kissing each new wrinkle with as much fervour as your liver spots? I re-read everything coming up to the point where he and I no longer talk now. It was me who broke it off--isn't it funny how your memory can play games on you even about events so fresh. And yeah, that's why he doesn't write me anymore. I did the "right" thing, I know. But it hurts, sometimes. Everyday, I wonder 'what if'. And I look at my boyfriend's gentle face and feel such guilt over what I've done and what is in my heart. I don't know if I'm playing games with myself or with him. I don't know if what I'm feeling is some more fickleness. I feel as though the last 6 months of my life has been spent in permanent motion sicknes. I've been moving through cities like a ghost, been leaving jobs, picking up new ones and trying to carve out a path for my life. But I know once I settle things and find myself a 'proper' career, I'll be unhappy again. I do this shit to myself all the time. I keep thinking that the grass is greener and it never it is and I know this but yet, I still stray. Am I a born adventurer or a just a fucking masochist? I feel as though I'm ruining my life with my constant indecision. I leave Montreal permanently in 10 months for France. I'm never coming back here. I don't think I ever really belonged in this city. It will be 4 years that I spent here and I'm not sure that I belong in France but it's an adventure, at least...or a distraction, who can tell. I love him, he loves me. It's simple.
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