this should be the last instalment of my melrose episode
2009-10-31 [8:46 p.m.]

From: Anticrew
Subject: you deserve an explanation
To: "----"
Sent: Saturday, October 31, 2009, 8:42 PM

i dont really know how to start this. im trying really hard not to hide behind jokes to avoid telling you my feelings...so bear with me.

i know that if i see you again, i will try to do something.
i think about you all the time. ive never stopped.
but ive made myself stop writing to you because it isnt fair to you.
or to her. or to him.
they are both really good people, who have never done anything bad to us and who love us with all their hearts.
you just cant reward that kind of loyalty with a kick in the ass.

i feel like ive let you down by promising you things and then not delivering on them.
sometimes, i just wish youd show up here and we'd take off to wherever until the money ran out.
but it was all just too much pressure.
there were a lot of times when i felt as though you werent really into it. which, given our circumstances, you had every right to be.
but i needed more. i needed to be 100% sure and i just wasnt getting that from you. i felt like you were waiting for me to make all the moves and i just felt it was so one-sided that i backed off.
im not blaming you when i say this.
time apart didnt make things clearer for me. it made things harder and more complicated.
i was dealing with someone who was in my face every day while trying to emotionally deal with someone who was far away and who i wasnt hearing from every day.
i just felt alone.
and then i felt rejected.
and then it turned to anger.
but ive got absolutely no right to be angry at you. and not writing to you or trying to explain things to you was shitty and selfish of me.
im sorry.
i mean it, im really sorry.
look, i dont use the L-word ever unless i mean it. to have said that to you and have nothing come of it really fucking hurts my heart.

i spent all my time in california and in europe and every fucking day since then going over something melissa told me:
"rhonda, this is your life. YOUR life we're talking about here. you've got to do whats in your heart."
i cant do whats in my heart because it's just not logical and because i dont think i can emotionally handle what will happen. it's not because i dont want to because i do.
i just cant be responsible for hurting someone so deeply. i dont know how to get out of this without hurting someone and that someone was never meant to be you.
it's just a case of bad timing for us, i guess.
at least, that's what i tell myself.

ive decided to leave montreal and move to france for a year. my friend out in BC is moving to paris in january. im probably gonna head out a few months after that. ive started teaching english at this corporate place downtown and am going try to do that in france. after france, i dont know what im gonna do afterwards.

through all this, ----, i really miss you. i miss our friendship so much.
you're hilarious, intelligent and incredibly perceptive which is my favourite thing about you.
she is so fucking lucky.

thumos||logos